Thursday, January 14, 2010

Holding in a Piss on a Motorcycle

motorcycles on a desert highwayAbout a few weeks ago, I went out riding with some friends to a couple of a taverns, one an Irish Pub in Dana Point, and another a brew-pub in Ladera Ranch, both in Orange County.

After the last stop, we headed out on our way back home along Ortega Highway, a popular road for motorcyclists in Southern California.

As we waited at the light, I looked over at Brian and said, "I'm going to stop at Hells Kitchen to take a piss."

After irrigating my blood vessels all afternoon, I had only taken one trip to the boys room. I should have done one more before leaving. But at this point, I could still hold it.

We got only a couple of miles down Ortega Highway, and the vibration of my Electra Glide and the little dips in the road just made it all worse. I couldn't take it any longer. I found a shoulder to pull over, and jumped off the bike, turned my back to the guys, and it fly. And it was a long, restful one too. I could hear the guys saying, "Damn Steve, you done yet?"

After I was done, I noticed one of the other bikes had been dismounted, but I could not find the rider anywhere. Then I noticed him on the other side of the highway, behind a bush, with his pants pulled down, and softening up some sheets of paper.

He came back to his bike minutes later and said, "Oh my God Steve, I am SO glad you pulled over! I didn't know what I was going to do!"

I'm sure he knew what to do. But he made it sound like he would rather crap his pants than to break off from the group. There's still a bit of question in the back of my mind if he actually would have crapped his pants.

And he's not the only one who made me wonder about this.

I know of another rider that has joined me on some rides who seemingly has to take a piss at every stop. That's how you can tell which guys in the group have enlarged prostates. But I haven't seen him pull up to the front of the group and look at me and say, "I gotta take a piss!" So, I can only the imagine the agony he endures.

I'm one of those guys who can hold in a piss for a long time, so it's not uncommon for me to go 2-3 hours of riding after everyone has had their morning coffee. That Electra Glide of mine can do 200 miles of range average.

But I have had guys in the back of the group break off, and me leading the group up front can't see them. I just ride on not realizing they broke off. I wonder if maybe this is one reason why some riders I meet only ride with me once, and then never ride with me again? It could be due to prostate-incompatibility.

I've also had some guys take a piss just before we're about to ride. They usually don't think about it due to being caught up in the excitement of chit-chatting and catching up with the latest news. It's only when they see everyone strapping their helmets on do they realize, "Uh oh, I better take a piss first."

And just this last weekend, I had a guy break off from the group to take a piss. There were only five of us, riding up Mount Palomar, which is like the motorcycle Nirvana of SoCal, seven miles of banked sweeping switchbacks, where riders of all kinds test their skills. Three of us got to the top, and then waited and waited and waited for the other two to catch up.

And when that much time passes by, and you don't see the rest of your guys, it often means someone went down. So with despair, I mounted my motorcycle and began the trek back down, with thoughts of blood and gore going through my mind. And then in a blur, there they go whizzing by me up the mountain. So I turn around, and catch back up to them, and find out someone had to pull over for a piss, in the middle of Palomar!

Imagine the sportbike riders dragging their knees around a corner and seeing some dude with his schlong hanging out?

And BTW, there actually is a company that makes a Texas Catheter for motorsports enthusiasts.

I suppose a really good ride leader would think of these things, and find a place to stop after an hour from morning coffee. But as it is, I don't think enough about these things. I'm usually too much into my own zone when on my bike, and so I'm not really cut out to be a Road Captain. I'm just like the rest of the guys I ride with, I'm just out to ride motorcycles and try not to worry about much.

Oh, and you know that Honda ST1300 that I've been talking about buying? Well it has a range of between 250 to 300 miles, so look out guys!

1 comment:

  1. Funny, but so true. You can't be macho with a wet croch!


About Steve

A vagabond who hauls a motorcycle around the country in a toy hauler, earning a living as a website developer. Can often be found where there's free Wi-Fi, craft beer, and/or public nudity. (Read more...)